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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29912598">You Have Got to Be Kidding Me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrairieDawn/pseuds/PrairieDawn'>PrairieDawn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: The Original Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Altair VI, Diplomacy, M/M, Mandatory Social Engagements, sneaking away</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:01:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,512</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29912598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrairieDawn/pseuds/PrairieDawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock's recent indisposition fails to get either him or his new bondmate out of attending the post-inaugural party on Altair VI.</p><p>AKA Sneaking off for a quickie during a diplomatic event.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Star Trek Valentine's Bang 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>You Have Got to Be Kidding Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Lovely accompanying artwork by Marrow.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Spock looked as stunning in his dress uniform as he did out of it in Jim's opinion. He took his position next to his first officer and newly minted bondmate and waited for Scotty to beam them down to the foyer outside the President of Altair VI's post-inaugural celebration, where they would talk up the Federation, look pretty for the press, and subtly provide security in places where their security detail wasn't high class enough to enter. Joy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You ready for this?" he asked Spock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am sufficiently recovered."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim chuckled into his hand. "We'll have to make sure you get a dose of your medicine later."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The flush rising on Spock's cheeks told him his meaning was abundantly clear. Scotty rolled his eyes extravagantly. "They're waiting for you," he reminded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind them, the security detail shuffled their feet on the transporter pads, impatient. "Energize," Jim finally said with a reluctant huff of breath, and the transporter room fizzed out in a shower of sparks to reform as a magnificent, gaudily bedecked foyer guarded by a quartet of soldiers who resembled peacocks in their feather bedecked teal uniforms. Were those old-fashioned projectile weapons in their hands? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there was Komack in his full dress uniform, short gray hair perfectly groomed, makeup subtle and commanding, eyes incisive almost to the point of being beady. "The prodigal ship arrives at last," he said acidly. "And I hear congratulations are in order for the two of you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, sir," Jim said formally, keeping his stance parade perfect and any trace of a smile off his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Those had to have been some extenuating circumstances," Komack grumbled. "And Elder T'Pau has been entirely unforthcoming on the details. As such, I must assume she is, for reasons that utterly escape me, covering for some illicit escapade. Be aware that I will find out, and when I do you can believe you will get what's coming to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim held his stance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that clear?" Komack prompted.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Abundantly</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Jim thought, but he said, "Yes, Sir."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Komack acknowledged him with a derisive grunt. "You two do clean up good, at least. Get in there and sell it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim nodded his understanding, but seized by a sudden impulse, held out his arm for Spock to take. Spock gave him a bemused head tilt and allowed himself to be escorted into the ballroom.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Captain Decker and Science Officer Masada of the Constellation caught sight of the two of them and made their way over with drinks. Decker was smiling, but with a puzzled wrinkle in this forehead. "Scuttlebutt says you two are late to the party because you went and got hitched!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kirk shrugged and grinned. "Just in the right place at the right time, I guess. I'm a very lucky man."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mind if I steal you away for a minute. Captain?" he added, nodding politely to Spock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sent a wordless question to Spock, who passed acquiescence, though he drew two fingers down Jim’s wrist and into his palm before turning away to speak with Masada. Jim allowed Decker to lead him away. "Choudhury and I were hoping to get some insight from you on the Klingon situation. We've been stationed further out the opposite direction and you know how tight-lipped the Admiralty are when they want to be."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They found Laisa Choudhury in a corner behind an extravagant purple bush. She greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. "So, I hear you married your First Officer. And a Vulcan, no less. Half the women in Starfleet will be crying into their pillows tonight. Along with about a quarter of the men."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the mention of Spock, Jim felt the need to turn around and scan the room for his bondmate.  Spock was surrounded by Altairians all animatedly discussing something or other. The body language suggested a flock of nerds infodumping about some esoteric phenomenon. Jim would rather join them than discuss politics, but there were precious few opportunities for him to meet with the captains of other ships patrolling the edges of known space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, you certainly look like a newlywed. Do you know, Komack was sure you had made up the whole last-minute marriage thing? I'm sure he's watching the two of you closely."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sipped at the champagne in his hand. It was too sweet for his preference, but had the complexity he expected of a rare and costly vintage, so he didn't hide the glass behind a convenient potted plant. "No doubt he is."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Decker called the conversation back to business. "You've encountered the Klingons more than either of us has lately. You think they're going to find a way around the enforced peace?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim sighed. "The Klingons won't stop expanding until they get their food supplies more stable, and they won't ask for what they can take."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So all treaties are temporary,” Decker translated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The Organian treaty will hold until the Organians are tired of it." He took another swig of champagne and grimaced. "But be sure the Klingons will find ways around the edges of it to get what they want."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A throat was being cleared behind them. Jim turned to see Komack looming. How a man four inches shorter than he was could loom so effectively was a mystery.  "You're not here to hide in the corner. Get out there and show the Altairians how friendly we are."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim knew an order when he heard one. The three captains went their separate ways and Jim's reprieve was over. A lovely woman with the gravity-defying updo and precariously draped, glittering gown that was fashionable in most of the Federation this year took his arm and smiled winsomely before asking him to dance. He couldn't remember who she was, so didn't know if it was safe to decline. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dance was one of those intricate, rule-bound things that required close attention to the older woman at the front of the ballroom calling the moves. When they circled each other, she leaned in a little too close and he murmured, "I'm a married man."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is your wife here with you?" she teased, her tone making it clear she was half-seriously propositioning him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My husband is significantly stronger than a human, very jealous," and as a wave of that jealousy crashed over him he looked up and pointed with his chin, "and standing right over there."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pouted at him. "Pity. I don't suppose..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Absolutely not."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dance ended and he deliberately replaced her with the President's daughter, who barely came up to his waist and was content to be twirled as many times as the music allowed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock's smile, when he whirled by with the little girl in tow, changed from strained to fond.  He gave her two more dances until she was distracted by the desserts table and Komack's frown suggested he was supposed to circulate among more politically important party guests.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He caught sight of Spock in conversation with President Ruvidi and a couple of other formally dressed men and women he assumed were members of her cabinet. Time to check in, then. He found his way to Spock's side. "Introduce me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock nodded. "Ms. President, Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise and my mate."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So I hear," she said. "I believe I owe you a debt of thanks, Captain Kirk. I suspect I will be hearing from Binne about dancing with the dashing Starfleet captain for months to come."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I was happy to indulge her. She's a sweet kid."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"These things are always so overdone and deadly dull. Though I notice you managed to miss the speeches."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Couldn't be helped. We will be staying for the next round of membership negotiations, though. If you'll have us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed. "Much as I hate to be reminded that my people aren't all on the same side of an interstellar Cold War we weren't even aware of until recently, the support is greatly appreciated."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The Klingon Empire does make a compelling case if their word could be trusted. But for all their lip service to honor, the people in charge seem not to apply it to other species," Jim warned. “I’ve seen how they treat planetary governments that let them get a foot in the door.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock elaborated, "Indeed. Their strategy since the end of the prior war has been to place different factions on a world they wish to acquire against each other, then to take control in the ensuing chaos. That tactic has been employed with even greater frequency since the Organians intervened."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Am I correct that the two of you were directly involved in the events that led to the Organian cease-fire?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock looked to Jim, who nodded. "I'm afraid the details are classified, but I can tell you that the Organians can pretty much do anything they want and there isn't a thing the Federation can do about it. They're as much above us technologically as we are above prairie dogs."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She swirled her champagne glass, appearing to regard the bubbles for a moment. "It's humbling to know that such beings exist in the galaxy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There are numerous such beings, of varying power and benevolence. We can only hope that they never choose to war with one another,” Spock said gravely.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The President smiled. "I'll drink to that. We've got enough to worry about with your empires rattling sabers at each other over our heads. Do excuse me, I should greet the Tvirisi ambassador before he considers himself slighted and cuts off access to the moons."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim bowed slightly to her and she left. "Spock, how are you holding up?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am adequate." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Though my entire being calls out to yours.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In answer, Jim touched their fingertips together where their hands brushed at their sides. "Not too long, I promise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I will hold you to that, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ashayam.</span>
  </em>
  <span>" They parted before Komack could order them to and continued representing the Federation in their own ways--at least Spock was not required to dance with anyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim checked his chrono. Had it really only been a couple of hours? His exertions of the last few days were coming back to haunt him and it was getting harder to disguise the fact that certain parts of him were still healing and that, frankly, he wasn't twenty anymore. He glanced across the crowded room, through mingled Starfleet and local Altairian dignitaries, and caught sight of Spock standing next to a crystal punch fountain, frozen, with a look of frustration and misery on his face and he knew he had to get the Vulcan out of there before he started crying or throwing punches.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He marched up to Spock, briskly. "Come with me," he said, keeping his tone businesslike, as though he had just received some critical bit of intelligence he needed to communicate. "We need to speak privately."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His own security caught the urgency of his movements and gave him a questioning look, to which he responded with a gesture. The officer would stay in place and keep an eye out for threats. Jim led Spock around a corner and through a door that had recently produced a pair of young and disheveled partygoers. It was a good bet it had a comfortable spot to canoodle and a door lock and look at that!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He eyed the chaise lounge with appreciation before turning around to lock the door. "Jackpot!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Captain, I--"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jim. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not feeling on edge."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spock opened his mouth to protest, then snapped it shut. After a moment he acknowledged Jim's insight with an inclination of his head. "the residual effects of my recent indisposition have made it difficult for me to attend fully to the demands of socializing."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How quiet can you be?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can be completely silent at need. You?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I can manage." He shucked his dress uniform quickly, the better to keep it tidy, even taking the extra step of folding it neatly to hang over a chair so the creases in the pants stayed crisp. When he turned back around Spock had done the same. Jim might have liked a little longer to admire the lovely flush spreading across his body, but Spock was on him in a second, arms wrapped around him, face buried in the hollow of his throat, then sliding down to mouth his way from chest to belly to his cock, already standing at attention for his inspection. Jim protested, "Wait, Spock, this is for you, not me. I can wait until tonight."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That is," he said, pausing to nuzzle and mouth the sensitive skin, "one advantage," a teasing swirl of his tongue, "Of the bond. I would possess you, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ashayam</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well, if he put it that way, how could Jim argue?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They took an extra couple minutes, after, to put the room to rights and make sure their clothes were straight, but there was nothing they could do about their flushed cheeks and lips or the added bit of brightness in their eyes. They walked out together, determined not to be separated for the rest of the evening.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Komack found the two of them while they were discussing Starfleet military courtesies with the Grand General of the armies of Altair, who was not nearly the stuffed shirt his title suggested. He stepped between them to slap them both on the back. Spock flinched but didn't say anything about the intrusion. The Admiral eyed them both with the loose joviality of a little too much champagne. "Getting out has done the two of you good. Put some color in your cheeks!" He slapped them both again for good measure and strolled away to accost someone else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Grand General watched him until he was swallowed up by the crowd. "You know," he said, "the only reason I agreed to take this job is that I would never again have to obey the orders of pretenders like that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim swallowed a laugh but managed to narrowly avoid speaking ill of his superior in the presence of a foreign dignitary. "May I never be sentenced to fly a desk," he said instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a commotion at the other end of the hall. Jim's body went into a ready stance in an instant, and beside him, he could feel more than see that Spock and the general had responded to the noise in kind. He reassured himself that it was probably just an accident on part of the kitchen staff or a guest who'd had too much to drink stumbling into a table.  And then a high-pitched shriek drove all reassurances from his mind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were at least a dozen of them, swathed in black and heavily armed. Half a dozen party guests strode away from their companions to stand beside them, and one stepped forward to address the President. "Your rule is illegitimate. We have no need of the Federation or the Klingon Empire. We are strong when we stand for ourselves alone!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He should have known the evening wasn’t going to end well.</span>
</p>
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